I'm not sure if this qualifies for anyone else, but once the clock strikes midnight, I start thinking; Not in the way I think during the day, it's a much more depressive way of thinking.
I start thinking about everything, things i've done, things I regret, and I just really beat myself up.
I don't know what to do. I can barely write this post. There's the all-knowing fact that God is always with me, and this may just be an obstacle that I just need to overcome.
Sometimes I just want to pick up little blades, like I did a few years ago, but I never want to return to that. What happens. When the one who saved you before, you no longer trust to do so anymore. They did their job, and it's time for someone else, what if I'm my biggest sacrifice?
This is my story, is it not? That just means, I am my hero, and no one but my self, with the help of God, can save me.
What is it that I need saving from? I know, but I don't know. I guess when people ask if I'm okay, I know I'm not, but then I think that I'm fine, or maybe I just don't know how to explain it.
It starts with one thought, and just snowballs into many different things, so I never know the main problem.
NOTHING SEEMS RIGHT!
Have I not fixed things? I don't get it, I've fought for what I wanted, but it's not right, it's all different, and I say that I don't know who to trust, but I know I have all these great friends who can help me, but I'm just not good at asking for help, with anything, ever.
Something is just eating me away.
I've had nothing to distract me.
The First Issue
I basically put a bandage on my "best" friendship, and we're "friends" again, tho she says we can't just go back to being best friends. Why not? whenever we fight and she apologizes we go right back to how we were, and she attempted it this time, only I didn't know: so obviously it didn't work, and months went by, tearing me part by part, until I finally decided to apologize.
How are we ever going to mend our bond if she doesn't even try?
If she want to make up, why did she give up?
I want to make her a big apology gift, but what good would it do? would it make things sour? would it even help? I want nothing but this friendship to last, but I don't know what to do, things aren't the same, she won't barry the hatchet, almost makes it seem as tho she'd want to use it on me later, she isn't putting an effort.
Was it even worth it?
Why do I care so much, about anyone other than my family?
What does it do me?
Why does this matter so much to me?
Is it even my fault?
What do I do?
What do I think?
What do I say?
Second Issue
Built on false ideas
built on need
a need to fill an emptiness I felt with in
at least this year it was.
My other "best" friendship started last year.
It wasn't real.
We started speaking on Halloween 2011.
I didn't want any hard feelings over our silly little dispute a couple months back, so I did whatever it took to speak to her, and after a couple of minutes, I broke down her walls and we hit it off.
She was so quiet in person, and still is; all I ever wanted was to make her talk, and really talk and have a good time. Why? I don't know, but all I ever want for anyone, is for them to be happy.
Happiness, it's something I strive to give, to -nearly- everyone I meet.
It took me by surprise when she asked me to be her Best Friend.
It took me a while to realize, she was in a time of need.
She was having boy troubles.
I was there for her (still, am, always am, for anyone)
So as soon as my 'real' best friend called it off on me, I subconsciously clung to her. I had, what felt like, no one else to turn to, and I thought she of all people understood anything i'd go through.
Then she called it off, only it wasn't her. she did it through her boyfriend, with his rude-ass mother fucking words. Honestly I never liked him, he always caused her pain, but I let it be, because he also made her happy, which is something I still can't comprehend.
I figured as soon as everything was fine with him, she no longer needed me, and I'd made my peace with it.
Then she asked me to forgive her. so I did.
She and her boyfriend had a fight literally this past week, and they're back together again, almost as if nothing happened.
It upsets me, because I was pretty pissed at him for fucking up so I talked bad about him -so I feel like a villain- , and then it's googly talk again.
It's not in my right to tell her who she can and can't date, but if you ask me they should just get married already; I mean he's fucked up before, and she still forgives him, he's hurt her before, and she still runs to him. IT IS FUCKING REAL.
this is how I see their relationship.
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity
Everything else
It's honestly all a big mess, and the above issues are the ones that are really bugging me at the moment.
I just want to feel happiness, after all it is a way of life, and not a destination, but how do I get on that rode?
How do I get my smile back?
