This past Sunday, was Resurrection Day (easter), and I was told to tell the story that's never been told. The story of what the big man upstairs did for me.
Honestly, I don't enjoy talking about my past, but it's so you all can see what He's done for me, and what He would do for you.
Through my middle school years, and on to my early high school years (freshman & sophomore), and a bit of my junior year, I went through depression. Was I diagnosed with it?
No.
Sometimes you just know, and sometimes there are people around you to confirm it for you.
People noticed, and they told me I have no reason to be depressed, I never agreed to being depressed, but my face must have said different.
I didn't really have anyone to talk to, I felt like no one understood. I didn't tell anyone anything, even those who tried to help. I just didn't think they'd get it, I thought I deserved everything I was going through, but I wasn't really going through anything. I was living in the past, and wasn't letting by gones be by gones, I was holding onto all those hurtful things. And for what? absolutely nothing, I just.. I wanted a reason to be depressed. I didn't know that at the time though.
In retrospect everyone who told me I had no reason to be depressed. they were right, but that's still not something a depressed person should be told.
I struggled, and at one point I even cut, using bracelets to cover up the scars. By mid-second semester, I completely stopped cutting, and I thanked a friend, who I felt helped me stop, when in reality they didn't really do anything. They didn't know, not until after, and I had this silly idea that they were an angel sent for me, how ridiculous of me.
I found a way to hide the depression, from myself and everyone, or so I thought.By the beginning of second semester of sophomore year, I messed things up big time with a close friend of mine.
That's a whole other story.
Now I didn't think losing them would mean so much, partially because I thought we'd make up within a week or so, but we didn't and we didn't talk to each other for the rest of the school year, and it spilled into the summer; Until, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I worked up the guts to apologize. They say if it belongs to you, let it go, because it will return, but on the other hand they say to fight for what you want in life, and they weren't coming back, and I really really felt our story was not complete yet, so I went and fought for them.
Literally, but in a verbally way, not even, in text format (cut me some slack, I live in a modern world, and they certainly would not have liked me visiting them).
I thought now that we've made up, everything will make sense, and this sorrow will go away. A thing of the past never to be dealt with again.
However, in the process of making up, they told me a few things, that really just threw me off.
Some horrible things, that just made me question if the friendship was even worth it, like how could you be so insensitive as to say those things to some, especially if you knew they were depressed?
These are the things they said: (plus some retaliation)
- You act like your life is so boring (who acts about their life being boring?)
- Well it's because you're depressed, that affects your personality
- I don't know why you want to be depressed (depression is not something people want)
- You're in control and you're letting yourself be depressed (It's a mental disorder)
- You're too afraid to show your feelings. That's your problem
- If you believe you matter in this world then it's not a disorder. It is mental though, because you're stuck in those thoughts that you're depressed all the time.
- Well, I'm just saying to be a little more fun.
To this day, I don't see how they could say such things to me, but they're part of the reason I hate talking about my feelings, because they make me feel as though everything is my fault, I feel like I'm being judged as opposed to being helped.
As the school year continued (Junior year) I felt things getting better progressively, but I just couldn't shake the sorrow; I could always find a way to bring myself down. Deep down it was not something I wanted, but I just did it impulsively and instinctively, at random moments, mainly at night, and it doesn't help that also deal with math anxiety.
Then one day my sister took me to church, one not too far from where I live, called Family Worship Center, a non-denominational church, come as you are, be a baptist or a catholic. Something drew me in, I wasn't too sure what it was, but I knew I wanted to return, and so I did.
The people were amazingly sweet, and I felt welcomed immediately. From day one and on forward, I felt renewed, as if I'd become a different person, and I'd noticed it became increasingly difficult to ever be sad again (except of course because of my math anxiety, giving me tiny panic attacks). I'm new, it's a new me, and you know what, it's not new years! (sorry it just annoys me when people wait all year to say New Year New Me, and they stay completely the same).
The more I go to church, the more I realize that He was always by me, every step of the way, even in my darkest hours He was their, speaking to me through my music.
Sometimes I wonder, who would ever want to deal with someone who is such a mess, and I think if they don't that it doesn't matter, because I know someone who will, and He made me perfect in His eyes, so it does not matter to me what anyone else has to say.
I was inspired to write this post because, I was told to tell the story that had never been told, and also because I saw this video that reminded me of how I used to feel, bringing me to tears; Reminding me of how far I've come in such a short time.
That is my story, and I know He has much more in store for me, I may not know what it is, and yes at times it is frustrating, but I will not doubt that it is nothing but good.
