What Does That Mean?
I've only got a vague idea of what I'm saying, and trying to explain it will be a little difficult, so bare with me.
Last Wednesday was my last day of summer school; during the course of summer school, The classes I took were PE and Health. Both classes are mandatory for graduation, and me being me I've avoided taking them which i feel really stupid for. Anyways I've had a strong craving to be active ever since school ended, and because of health class i've been wanting to change my perspective.
What PE Has Done For Me
Lol honestly it has changed and I looked forward to working out everyday, no matter the pain. However, I tended to do nothing while in the weight room (I know shame on Cassie). At first I was doing everything for the grade, but then Coach told us that we weren't taking anything seriously, and it was true, we were all just trying to make the grade; Then he said something that made me think, what would we do when it came to survival? What if we end up in a situation literally hanging for our lives, obviously the only way to live is to pull yourself up, and if you can't do that you're a goner. What about when you're being attacked? If you're running and you trip, the attacker isn't going to wait for you to get up. If you stop running because you're out of breath or tired, they will not wait for you to feel well again.
Then and there I realized I need to get my shit together and shape up, and honestly I didn't believe it at first, that being active would help you feel happier, but honestly through the pain, i'd never felt better in my life. Now I'm going to do my best to keep working out.
What I've learned From Health
Mostly what I've learned from health, is how to somewhat communicate with people, REFUSAL SKILLS 100%! seriously no drugs, no alcohol, practice abstinence NO STDS FOR ME lol, but most of just wanting to change my life and attitude; I'm still pessimistic, old habits die hard.
I want to practice being happy, I'm tired of pretending, tired of telling myself that the happiness is real, and that everything is okay, I'm not pretending, it's real; I know it's not. I guess I'm tired of being in denial. It almost feels as though I can't share my honest opinion with anyone; example, my family knows almost nothing about me. I want to talk about how I feel, but I can never bring myself to do so, I keep my feelings bottled up, and I never have the courage to talk about anything until, what seems like, ages after the situation has past, and at that point I think they have no value. Recently I've tried talking about something, but whenever I do my friends tell me that I should let it go, it matters no longer, I don't know, everything will be better, it's in the past now, why does it matter anymore? can we not talk about this anymore? It makes me uncomfortable, I don't like talking about this, that's just life, it's unfair, but I guess it's whatever.
"thanks guys, that helps a lot" /ends sarcasm
Now I get annoyed/angry about everything very quickly; I just, I don't know how to feel, anger is mostly all that I can manifest, because i don't want to show my hurt, I don't want anyone to worry, so I cover it up, and push it as far back in my mind as I can. I want to forget all the memories, that's what's holding me back; I could forget everything if only the memories could just vanish.
I'm not as big on religion as i'd like to be, and if I was, I highly doubt i'd be feeling so low.
The way I am shows that I am NOT emotionally well, mentally well, or socially well. I feel like crap and do nothing to fix it.
The point is, I'm going to do what I can to make myself happy, and enjoy what little I can, because I'm not allowed out much, and my best friend is too sick (has her own problems as well) to come hang out with me; I end up doing much of nothing. I say I'm bored, and my family tells me to clean; that doesn't help and it doesn't keep my mind off things.
I feel like such a shitty person for complaining, I have more than most, but my possessions are not the problem, it's me.
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